I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
barbara walters just said penis...
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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