just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize