Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
