he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
