sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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