I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
The best revenge is premature balding
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize