im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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