im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
