I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
only you would photoshop your dick
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
