Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
