Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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