Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Randomize
