You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
