that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
