why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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