You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
