I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
