I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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