god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
dude i'm inner monologue high
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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