im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
