You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
where does the pee come out of this thing
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
