it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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