In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
