Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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