Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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