so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
