Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
