Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
