Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
