i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
