I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
