dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
