connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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