I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
