I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
If I die, sorry about rent.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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