while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
