I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
