I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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