i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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