so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
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