Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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