My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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