Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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