I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize