I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
