Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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