sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
