My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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