my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
