So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
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