ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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