dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
