So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize