my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
