i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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