can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
