dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
