I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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