she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
