I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
