I just cut my nipple shaving
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
