I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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