They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
