when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize